My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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