Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
