His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
