I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
