dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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