I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
