Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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