i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize