everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
