Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
