Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
soo... how was my night?
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