just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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