Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
