The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
