i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
