I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
