Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize