we're making bets on your personal life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
