I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
