The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize