i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize