youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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