Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
