Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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