she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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