haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
