I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
