Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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