I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You dont lie about slip and slides
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
