Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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