Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
