Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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