new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
