I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize