don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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