I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
