Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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