My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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