The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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