im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
