Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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