I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
