please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
