I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
