I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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