my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
