why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
