there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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