Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
