If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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