I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
