JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
