how can u be prego again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
