Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize