i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
