y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
