My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
