I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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