There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
